The Survivors Memorial Names Project

Home View the Wall

Web masters note: This essay was submitted to SOSA and is shared without change. This is not meant by the author or any member of the SOSA community to belittle members of the military, survivors of the Vietnam war, or any other conflict. This essay is being used as a preamble to the names wall project, and is used with permission of the author.

Today is November 11, 1999. A day I have always celebrated with pride that my father served in the Korean War. Each year we would ask my father about the war, and each year he would get a far away look in his eyes and say it was war, war is hell, end of story. Each year I would hug him and thank him for protecting me and my freedom. Today there is The Wall. A place where all the names of those who fought and died in Vietnam are etched forever. Those who fought hard for our freedom and so much more. Then came the The Nurses Wall. With the names of all the nurses who served our country in Vietnam. Today I read a story about one of those nurses. And for the first time in my life I am mad. Mad because they didn't fight half as hard as I did. My fight was to stay alive and find a reason to live each day. My battle was against perpetrators who violated my body in ways that would make an army veteran sick to hear about. Mad because there will never be a Wall for survivors of the greatest and most horrific war of all. Child Abuse. Battles in this war were not even for such rights as freedom, and liberty. Our battles were fought to stay alive or to just make it one more day, and maybe the abuse would stop. My tour of duty they talk about. Then they go on to speak of life in a fox hole for less than a year. Let me tell you about my tour of duty. It lasted almost 18 years. I prayed to God sometimes that I could find a fox hole to hide in. Anything was better than a small child being beaten with a belt, again. During my tour of duty I was repeatedly raped. I was between the ages of 3 and 12 when that happened. How I wish my tour of duty had been as short as theirs. Veterans talk about going to the wall and meeting other veterans who salute them and tell them thank you. Where is Our Wall? Where is Our Wall with the names of all the children who have been beaten, and abused? In the United States of America over 1000 children die each year to child abuse, and those are the CONFIRMED statistics. Over 3 million cases of child abuse are reported every year, and over 1 million cases are confirmed. And we know for a fact that child abuse, particularly child sexual abuse is the most under reported crime in America. During the 18 years we were at war in Vietnam, 58,219 Americans died. Do you realize that in America during those 18 years over 18,000 children died of child abuse?? And that figure does not include the thousands of suicide victims each year who could not survive the abuse, or the memories of the abuse any longer. Where is Our Wall? When we build Our Wall, I can just imagine the first time I work up enough courage to go to see Our Wall. I don't think I could go close at first. I would just look at it from a distance and cry. Cry for all the lost years, all the parts of me who want to let the world know what happened, but will never get the chance to. Then slowly, maybe under the cover of darkness, I will go near Our Wall. Seeing the names of all those who endured the battles of child abuse, as I did, would be so overwhelming that I know I would collapse in a heap of tears and sobs. Sobs that go so deep, buried along with the child within me. I can just imagine a soft gentle hand upon my shoulder. Looking up with tears in my eyes I would see a woman. Thing is there would be no uniform to identify her as a victim. Not like the veterans get. There won't be any medals on her chest. They never will give us purple hearts, or medals of honor and bravery. I will know though. It is in my eyes, my sobs, my tears. It will be in hers as well. The look you see in the eyes of an abused child. The look that never goes away, no matter how hard you want it to. I wonder, would we share 'war' stories? No, I don't think so. The details get lost in the overwhelming pain of abuse. The fact that for the first time in Our lives we could openly and publicly come out and say I was abused as a child would be statement enough for a life time. To meet another person at the wall and weep with them for our shared losses, would be overwhelming at times, and comforting as well. Thing is, I know a lot about building walls. When I was 18 I built a huge wall inside of me. The wall of dissociation. All the inner children, all the pain, all the memories were put behind that wall. I got in my car, drove hundreds of miles and started a new life. A life with no memories. I became a professional, with no past. No one realized what I had done, nor did they care. When the second trauma came in my life the wall of dissociation collapsed inside. For the first time in 40+ years I had glimpses into the past that had been missing. No wonder I put it behind a wall. Yes, I know about walls, and all the pain and anguish they hold. I know it all too well. But this wall would be a wall on the outside. One for the world to see. One for all victims to come to, whenever they needed to. Our Wall for the world to see, and honor all who battled just to survive a childhood, that should have been filled with love, joy, care and encouragement, but was not. My father was only partly right. War is hell. Unfortunately when the war is over it is not the end of the story. For many the battles we fought to survive childhood abuse, are still being fought. There are many names for those battles. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Depression, and so much more. Every day we fight those battles we win. We fought the hardest War of all, and we survived! Today we want to start building Our Wall. If you are a survivor of the most horrific war of all, we want you to join us at Our Wall. Add your name to Our Wall and in doing so speak out and say I survived! You may be aware of someone who did not survive this great war. You can add their name as well. You do not have to use your complete name, you can use any name you choose. You can come back to Our Wall any time you choose, not just to write, but just to touch Our Wall and know that you are not alone. To all those who have fought this great and horrific war, I salute you today, and every day. Steven, who is proud to have survived the war of child abuse long enough to see Our Wall begun.